don't take with alcohol.

I think I may have finally crossed that threshold between stability and google-eyed crazy, the one where flowers talk to you AT ALL TIMES and cars and people seem mere abstractions or delusions.

I have a great idea for a book! It involves a grandfather, a boy, "an accident", mental retardation, the South, more mental retardation, and some variant of "A Confederacy of Dunces". I'm working out the logistics, so, you know, in atypical fashion, you'll never hear about it again!

HA! I know you, SPAIN! I know you've been reading this blog. Although your comments are subtle, as in, non-existent, your presence is still felt via my stat counter. Don't hide, LA! You've been here, too, you bastard, and I don't know who you are, but quite using me for your market research!

I'm moving to Florida after I graduate. I know, I know, it's seedy, it's gross. But it's not Florida's fault that a bunch of Nascar fans and hillbicky rednecks chose to make it their home.

Have you ever been to central Florida and hung out in the suburbs?

Man. It's CRUEL. I hung out with this dude one time when my family was, for some reason, down there... and he was sooooo weird and I got this sense of what suburban Florida must feel like... And that wasn't cool. Think of the show "Weeds" without hot people, cool drama, black people, or weed.

I want to live in Key West! It's so nice and sunny and balmy and "local" without the "local"...

"Don't take with alcohol..." Where's my goblet of wine, goddamn this!

Pills are made for poppin, and pipes are made for smokin.

But lungs are made for breathing... So how do you do both at the same time?

It's simple:

Award-winning, triple patented BREATHE-ALL-RIGHT comes from the makers Guthy Renker, whose products have tripled the carbon footprint by ten billion tons of plastic each second!! And now, in this exclusive television offer, you can own BREATHE-ALL-RIGHT for only 14.99!

Ever been to China? Ever been to Beijing? YUCK! That air's not made for people! We tested BREATHE-ALL-RIGHT on eight Chinese coal miners and within minutes, we noticed a BIG change... and so did they! Gone were the wheezes, goodbye were the sneezes, and HELLO were the, say it with me! BREATHE-ALL-RIGHTS!!!

And if you act now, you can get BREATHE-ALL-NIGHT, our sister product, for free! That's a savings of 20 dollars!!

Act now. Time's running out! And so is our air!!

*Limited supply only. Shipping and handling extra. Your BREATHE-ALL-RIGHT WILL come in a huge, bulky box that will be difficult to manage, extra expensive to ship.

I think I'm on to something here... I, like so many other jaded writers, have stumbled upon the hard shitball of truth at the heart of America:

Underneath it all, it's ALWAYS gonna be extra. NOTHING'S for free. NO ONE truly cares about your dumbass problems, and people generally just want it all rush-delivered right into their genitals.

I'm gonna work for some corporate BLOWTARD who'll suck the life and vitality out of my soul, and so are the other thousands of jaded assholes just like me who drink goblets of wine while thinking they're so precise, concise, cute, curt, ridiculous, or WHATEVER...

It's so funny seeing VOCATIONAL kids I went to highschool with graduating and posing in pictures with their fuggin alien babies, all using their loins as a testament to their human strength and power position.

God I miss my friends. I wish they were all here right now and we were laughing about all this. They'd think I was funny. I know it.

Alien babies. I feel like Marilyn Manson. All I need now is a prosthetic suit and a dollop of eyeliner and I think I'd be good to go. Where are my boots, Drew? I left them at the apartment when I moved out and I want them BACK!!!!!!